In the words noted in my journal, “lots have happened. I’ve hurt, healed, re-hurt, over and over again. I keep being sick and I have felt alone, unwanted, rejected, a nuisance… I keep being on meds and antidepressants over and over. Then I can’t eat so illnesses won’t stop attacking…”
I mentioned that a lot had been and still is happening in my previous post. This entry is a memoir of sorts that focuses on the lessons learnt and a few background stories. Splashes of some of my journal entries will grace the post too. Here goes…
- I am no accident
This may seem like a trivial lesson especially since we Christians love quoting David’s fearfully and wonderfully made and God knew me while I was in my mother’s womb phrases. However, when you realize you belong nowhere, exact details about your existence are sought. I was so disappointed in learning that I was not an accident that led to a marriage. Somehow, it felt like an acceptable explanation to lots of questions. The realization that I really do not belong to anyone and that people are busy and have a lot to deal with as well as the crude truth that I have no one to turn to has been a bit too much for me to bear.
Then amidst the tears and the shuttering pain God has kept reminding and assuring me that He is a Father to the Fatherless. It’s been difficult to internalize it coz I would rather prefer a physical person who would physically hug me when I need a hug or is simply present to share my joys and excitement.
I also came across John 1:13 “To be a child of God has nothing to do with human parents. Children of God are not born because of human choice or because a husband wants them to be born. They are born because of what God does.” Its meaning in context is that anyone who believes in Jesus automatically becomes a child of God yet it has another meaning for me. That regardless of whatever context I was born into, I am now His child. Parents or none, He still would have made sure I showed up on this beautiful earth. That’s affirmation enough for a girl – well, this girl. 🙂
- Learned about me
It must have been a no-laughing-matter for Jeremiah in chapter 17 verse 9 to note how wicked and mysterious a human heart can possibly be. It came as quite a surprise that I am capable of hate. Dealing with fear, anger, bitterness and a few self-destruct tendencies have kept me paralyzed. While we are so quick to blame the devil for all our troubles, sometimes we have a hand in it. Learning to forgive is a difficult yet very necessary thing if we intend to enjoy fellowship with God and or success. I will post about that journey soon.
I have had annoying mood swings since I was in high school but they decided to completely take over sometime last year. I tried staying away from people in attempts to avoid hurting anyone with mean remarks. I could not bring to a balance my sensitivity and my indifference. This should answer those who have kept asking why I disappeared. They say it’s Bipolar Disorder. Google it.
Sadly, those who have been unlucky enough to be around me during episodes do not get it. I tell you, it’s very frightening when you are trying to figure your-kinda-alien-self and everyone around you thinks you are just seeking attention. I get it though coz people do not know how to handle anyone who is going through that. Heck, they don’t even know what’s going on. I promise to write about this one too.
But, God has been good. He has provided people who understand and who can walk with me as pertains this. I can proudly say the highs and lows are quite few which is nothing short of a miracle.
One of my constant prayers is that God will continually create a pure heart in me and help me stay faithful to Him, that way, all the vile bile in my heart will always stay away.
Somewhere in between the highs and the lows are times when I seriously question why I have this blog. At those times, I try to do away with Royal Cheer but something comes up and I am suddenly too busy to do it. It’s taken me a while to write because I have been seriously wondering why I put personal things out there. Surely, it can be dangerous, right?
Yes it is. Truthfully, every single post scares the living daylights out of me. Putting my strengths and weaknesses out there is not an easy thing to do. We all want to seem strong in the eyes of the world. In fact, we probably are as strong as we think.
But God in His sovereignty figures it’s time for us to wear His strength and believe me, we can’t use God’s strength and resources if we already got ours. He first strips us of ourselves, then He gives us His abilities, then we shine to the world- which in real sense is simply God glorifying Himself through us. The process is not as simple or as summarized.
I have been encouraged by biographies and life stories about people who have gone through this or that. It is those people who are bold enough to tell the world ‘look what the Lord has in me, through me and for me’ that push me to speak about God’s goodness in my life. Besides, this verse always brings the internal debate to a close.
2 Corinthians 2:4 “He comforts us in all our troubles. Now we can comfort others when they are in trouble. We ourselves have received comfort from God.”
This was meant to be a short post which is now otherwise. I will post the other lessons later. Do enjoy your week, allow God to use you to comfort another distraught soul somewhere and always spread the cheer!