I downloaded a photo of me from social media taken by my friend and took a long look at it just as I was about to shut down the computer.
Memories of the day it was taken came tumbling in and I couldn’t stop smiling. It was a day enjoyed with wonderful friends. But the memory that kept taking my breath away was that of the landscape.
I wonder whether we know that beyond our political opinions, experiences and whatever else we think we esteem, we do have a beautiful land. More than the nicely manicured landscape enjoyed in the city or our homes, we live in a tourist destination. A God so grand designed each shrub, tree and blade of grass then purposefully placed it on a hill or a valley, painted the sky blue, splashed on it lovely woolen clouds and made sure to provide the biggest light bulb so we don’t miss the picture.
I still can’t get over the beauty that is, thankfully, documented in the photo. Then the subject of the photo caught my eye. Well, yours truly here. Lots of questions ran through my mind. The one that made me just keep staring at my screen was ‘what does God think of this photo’.
As I stared at me posing, other memories decided that they too wanted some attention. This particular one where I woke up one morning thinking, knowing and plotting to be dead by the end of the day just couldn’t go away. I can’t really put a good reason to that feeling but all I wanted was to be gone. The thought of surviving a suicide attempt sounded worse at the time than actually spending a few days frozen in a morgue then the rest being back to dust and eternally losing my soul.
Everything in place, I lay on the bed totally excited that it was my last day and prayed (yes prayed) for success. I have no idea how that worked but a simple text from a friend in the afternoon – whose content was totally unrelated to my plan – snapped me back to normalcy. Eventually, the day was done. Only later did I confide to that friend what plans the text had aborted.
I told someone about it months later as we tried to prevent someone else from committing suicide and they asked whether I had factored God anywhere in that plan. Truthfully, at that point in time, there was only a deep sense of hopelessness that I knew nobody could help me deal with. And God, He was not even remotely in my mind. I just did not care. Period.
Psalms 8:3-4 in my words, ‘ When I look at the landscape and see the works of your fingers – the hills and valleys you have set in place – what is (my name) that you should think of me, a mere human (way too flawed) that you should care for me?’
So as I beat myself up, 2 Corinthians 3-9 comes to mind. Christ reminds me how everything I go through is a reason for me to experience His comfort and in turn comfort others who are going through the same with God’s help.
Among so many other scripture reminders, Christ affirmed me then I had the David’s fearfully and wonderfully made moment. I realized that despite the fact that I do not mind how I look, I have never thanked Him for making me the way He did – especially my favorite. Lips and toe nails! 😀 It certainly was fun discussing my looks with an invisible God! He does not love me any less so why would I not love and live for He who specializes in creating masterpieces!
We all have our messed up pieces. I pray that we can learn to trust them to the Master who will put them together. Believe me, He will present something awe-inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful for the glory of His name to this world through us.