Dear Miss Wanjiru,
It’s been thirteen years now since you left. I thought to update you a little on how things have been down here.
For starters, you are sincerely missed by all especially me right now. I am grown. I should be a little taller than when you last saw me but fellow earthlings call me short. I think my height is perfect. In fact, people get surprised when they hear I’ve cleared campus.
Oh, yes, I kept my promise – cleared from primary, high school and graduated from campus last year. I really wished you would have been there to celebrate that victory with me and to also to pay up. 🙂 I’m proud of me. Family has been supportive.
I got to love and accept my second name, Wangui! I still stare into nothingness AKA zoob. My thoughts, they make me look like I have lost it. I think there is a big screened theatre inside my head. Just a random thought.
I have the greatest, craziest, funniest, joyful, artistic (these words aren’t enough to describe them) friends in the world! If you met them, I know you would love them. They would love you too. They introduced me to Christ and have been family to me. Boys? Well, the drama daddy took us through left me scarred but God is working on me as far as daddy issues are concerned. I have many boys who are my friends though. I still remember you promised to love me whether there was a boy in my life or not. I miss talking to you the way we used to and getting random hugs.
Heh! Let me tell you (insert high five)! Our baby, she is grown! She calls me ‘my small big sister’. She is quite an eye candy. You should see our male cousins being super protective of her. She is such a charmer, a very eloquent go getter who can chew your head off if you get in her way.
There is never a dull moment with her. One is either trying to deal with drama or drying tears of laughter off their faces. She asks lots of questions about you. I have never been able to talk about you with her. She complains lots about that. I don’t know how to deal with that yet.
I have tried replacing you with so many older females. I have tried not forcing them to fit into your shoes but they won’t love me for me to say the least. I have felt rejection over and over and over again. I have felt unwanted, like a bug they can’t use insecticide on. I have sat and smiled like my heart doesn’t know a painful crack.
If I cry it’s considered manipulative and trying to elicit pity. I hated God at some point because the same people who say ‘praise God’ would say mean and hurtful things to me. I have tought and felt like I would be doing the world a favour if I died. There is a lot to say as far as this is concerned.
However, there is God. He has taught me and still keeps teaching me a lot. Like I can talk to Him, the way they did with Abraham. I can rant and rave at Him, ask Him rhetorical, weird and hard questions like Job who asked ‘why is life given to those who are glad when they reach the grave?’(Job 3:23).
I can tell Him exactly how I feel about anything like David. At least anger tantrums are a bit few. I haven’t smashed anything against the wall or thrown myself on the ground for quite a long time now 😉
Forgiving and loving everyone has been a challenge at times. I mean, how would I love someone who spends every moment we are together telling me how useless and good for nothing I am? I love people that are nice to me. That’s easy. So God says to forgive then I will be able to love.
Madam, allow me to entertain you with a short skit that actually happened in a room when I was hurting and asking many whys then God impressed in my spirit to forgive.
Me: Forgive? Forgive? Seriously God, you want me to forgive So and So after doing ABCD to me?! Do you know how I feel? Have you ever felt
like this? You are being unfair! I can’t forgive right now.
God: Oh, you can’t do it right now huh? And have I ever felt hurt, rejected, treated unfairly among
so much more? Have I? Tell me this, how do you think I felt when I, God, became human did
good stuff to people, healed them, raised them, loved them etc… Then, the same people
spat on me, beat me up, killed me etc you know the story? Yet I loved and still love
you dear earthlings despite crucifying me over and over again in your day to day life?
I am love. I expect everyone who loves me to love others regardless.
Me: Sure. You are God.
God: Yes I Am. When you love others, you speak to them in a language far deeper than words.
Like I keep telling you, love when you are loved, love when you would love to hate, and love
when those you love have no idea you love them. Besides, when you forgive, it helps you get
on with life wounded, scarred but healed.
It was way longer than this but the important thing is, I have forgiven, moved on and I think that’s progress.
Something else God does is to make me realize that I have a talent during turbulent times. The phrase ’necessity is the mother of all inventions’ is so true in my life. In other words, these people have helped me discover myself. Plus I have learned how not to treat people and to stand with guys who are hurting. That Christ is my Solid Rock, my Provider, my Parent, my Friend, my Everything has given me such joy and peace and comfort.
The only One who will never specialize on being malicious and hurtful has been loving on me even when I have been so sure that I’m unworthy of any love, attention and joy. He has taught me how to love all over again, has assured me that being jumpy and joyful is alright as long as am looking up to Him for anything and everything. He hasn’t let me down.
It has been rough without you but it is okay since God saw it fit this way. It’s evident that I have a long way to go in order to achieve perfection. I have been broken but God’s grace is the glue that keeps mending me. God is healing my hurtful places.
I like to think of myself as God’s work in progress towards being a perfect Master’s Piece. I think of it as pure joy as my faith is put to the test that will produce strength to continue and make me all I should be. I have everything I need. I wonder how you would react to what I have done and/or not done. Would you be proud of me? Again, you are dearly missed Mum.